someone somewhere*

i can look back and smile about the good. i don't know why things happened like they did and probably never will. and i guess i'm okay with that. but too many parts of his life are still everyday reminders in mine. he crosses my mind and i wonder if i'm really over him.

i miss his smell and the way he'd run his fingers across my arm as we laid in bed watching tv. i miss the shy smile he'd get when i'd open my apartment door and he'd be standing there. i miss the way i'd catch him watching me and the way he'd laugh at me when i'd say something silly. he used to tickle me and just laugh at me laughing.

but i don't think it's him i miss. no, i miss what he represented.

i don't want it to be him, but i want there to be someone. this is not to be confused with needing someone. i know that i am complete even without some guy by my side to tell me i am beautiful or be my mountain of strength. that can only come from within me. but i still want to be loved. i want to wake up and have someone beside me. i don't want to always be the one to turn on the lights when i get home. i want to laugh together and take the time to discover the things that make someone laugh. i don't want to eat dinner alone. i want to have someone to talk to about our days. i want to have someone to dream about the future with. most of all, i just want to able to smile in those simple moments of just being together.

am i just trying to justify my loneliness with some pseudo rational desire? maybe i am. but even if i am, so what? yeah, because i'm still lonely.




happy birthday Carr.






*by jason reeves
"where ya gonna go from here?
cause everything you need's out there
and you can have it if you dare, if you dare
there's someone somewhere.."