dress up

i've given into the leggings trend. today, i decided that i wasn't going to be able to beat the heat in pants and that a mini skirt alone would leave the mystery bruise from two weeks ago exposed (not to mention more skin than is "average") so i, ever so fashionably, paired my jean mini with opaque brown leggings and a polo shirt that has a little bit of a "girly" touch on the sleeves.

now, let's clear one thing up: i'm not a skirt person.

i've worn a skirt to work three times in the last year. outside of work, i've worn a dress twice and a skirt maybe two or three times. i want to be a skirt person, but somehow i just can't bring myself to it. so in today's outfit, i was actually feeling on the, gasp, cute side. plus i did my makeup and hair, thinking it was pretty "done up" for me though no outfit is complete with my trusty converse sneakers. nonetheless, i was feeling like i actually tried, and that i had even maybe succeeded.

i had lunch with a good friend who was an exchange student to my college last year and she told me i looked cute. i was undoubtedly blushing but beaming, if only on the inside.

later that day, i had dinner with a guy friend from my university here. afterward we walked to his apartment and ended up watching a movie. i consider us friends, but there's always this awkward sexual tension vibe i get from him. like he wants me but he just can't say it or something. and i'm not interested like that, so i just let it slide. but as he walked me back to the main street he said to me, "don't you ever dress up?" (*translation of "oshare shinai no?").

ouch.

i said not to say stuff like that and he said, why? because it's like telling me that the me i am is somehow not dressy enough. not trendy enough. not...enough. my greatest fear somehow even translates through japanese, through fashion. even fashion. sigh. he tried to backtrack and said it wasn't that i wasn't fine the way i was, but! wouldn't it be nice if i dressed up a little more? and i just wanted to cry.

of course on the flip side, is a true friend not someone who can say these things to you? should i not be thankful that maybe he notices? should i not want to give up altogether since i actually tried today?

is my "trying" is just not enough? but this is me. and if you don't or can't love the me i am, then i don't need you. no?

oh, i want to be so strong, but no, i am just a good actor.

summer vacation

the last day of school. the day students look forward to all year. the beginning of freedom. going on vacation, to the pool, playing with friends, staying out late because it's lighter later, catching lightning bugs in the backyard...

that day was today. this morning we had the "closing ceremony" for the first term of school.

what, first term? you say?

that's right. in japan, the school year starts in april. and ends in march. aka year round school. we have three terms: april-july, september-december, january-march. that means that summer vacation falls between the first and second term.

the japanese school system has a completely different understanding of the word "vacation." the students have summer classes for the first and last week of summer vacation and they have club activities like sports practices/games, band practice/competitions, etc. nonstop.

when do they play? when do they spend an evening with their family, not burdened by the idea that they have homework to finish? when do they get to be kids?

i'm merely just a big kid because i am taking my full summer vacation: starting today. ending when the "opening ceremony" happens on september 1st. i'm going home. and i'm going to act just like i did when i was in middle school: sleeping in, going to the pool, eating fresh fruit and vegetables, spending time outside, eating dinner on the patio with my family, etc.

...and i'll probably spend more than one night out in the backyard, chasing after lightnings bugs.

grades

as a student, i was always (often anally) aware of my current grade. i knew how much of my grade was determined by homework scores, test scores, class attendance and participation, and all the other variables each teacher used to calculate grades. it was cut and dry. if i got x number of points on my tests and x number of points on my homework, etc. etc. then i could general figure out what i needed on the final, to get an A, or a B, in that particular class.

welcome to japan. where grade inflation and subjective assessment run rampant. on a semester final, where the average score is 75%, a student who got a 46% should not get a B in the class. i don’t have the student in class, but as i am the english conversation teacher that can communicate with non english speaking teachers, i get the “blame:” the student’s teacher asked me today why he had a C in the class. he compared this student’s grade with those in other classes and said the student should have a B. or, “i want you to give him a B.” The teacher said that although the student may sleep in class, he isn’t a “disruption” and therefore shouldn’t be “punished” as such.

however, i believe grades are neither punishment nor reward. grades are not given. grades are an evaluation of a student’s effort and ability. grades are earned. by the student themselves. if a student sleeps in a class which is based largely on in-class participation (english conversation) and does poorly on the test, both on the listening and the reading/writing sections, how does “giving” him a B benefit anyone? it sends him the message that he can continue his current pattern, and still get a B.

i understand this is a private school, and as such, the students are “customers” and the school wants to “brag” that they don’t have any C students. but the system is doing a huge disservice to the student. to inflate his grade gives him a false sense that he’s performing adequately. he isn’t. thus, a C.

the grading scale has been presented to us (a particular group of classes: special english, special japanese and special math) on a 3 step scale. A, B and C. normal japanese classes are on a 10 point scale, with 10 being the highest. here, again, they don’t give fives, even when a five has been earned. they cushion the students at the bottom. still, it’s clear that a nine or 10 is doing excellent in class and that a six or seven needs improvement. an eight is average. if the average of a class is around eight, it’s usually smiled upon. so, teachers weight grades and rescale the scores so that they end up with something close to an average of eight.

how then, are the specialized classes supposed to handle grades with only three grade options? additionally, we’ve been told not to give Cs. how do we distinguish between those students who are performing on an average level, and those performing below average? are they implying that we should be giving mostly As and saving those “lowly” Bs for those students not performing? am i being too stingy with As? by giving “average” students As, it discredits those students who really are doing A work.

they want english conversation to been seen as a “legit” class, but they aren’t allowing us to give legit grades. it’s sugar coating the reality and only hurting the students. and i’m stuck giving Bs to students who don’t even really do C work. it’s a crime.

doing nothing being everything

sometimes when too much time has passed, it just seems impossible to catch up on everything that has happened. but lately i've wanted to pick this back up. and maybe over time, the stories i have will come out.

today is the last day of my three day weekend, all thanks to "umi no hi" (Marine Day or Ocean Day). on such a day, it would seem appropriate to actually GO to the ocean. but i didn't. instead, i consoled my friend. Chelsea's friend Rose, from home, has been visiting for the last two weeks. Chelsea took her to the airport this morning.

i was woken by a text message, "hate goodbyes! makes me want2 leave2 :,( why i am in this country again?"

eventually the text conversation ended in deciding she would come over to my place. my apartment was a mess, so i cleaned the toilet, the shower, the sink, and tried to tidy up at least a little bit before she came over. even after she came over, i kept cleaning. she doesn't have internet access at home, so i let her use my computer: email, facebook, even a couple episodes of the O.C. it was highly productive for me because she kept my computer occupied (aka no distraction for me), and she was surprised each time she turned around to see my cleaning progress. now i just have to clean my bedroom. maybe another day.

i cooked spaghetti and we watched another episode while eating. she did the dishes, which i was so grateful for, but i felt bad when she started crying. i know, all too well about needing to cry just to cry, but i still didn't know what to say and felt like i should have. but, i figured just letting her cry was better than trying to fill the silence with some awkward or unecessary words.

i lent her a book, and gave back one i borrowed from her, a chocolate bar left over from an unsuccessful mt fuji climb, a photo of her and a friend i took two years ago, and a bag i have but am not sure i like or not. i'll be leaving soon and will be gone for a month and she'll make much better use out of it than me.

we didn't do anything spectacular today, but i love these rare days when i can just "hang out" with a friend. even though we are each doing our own thing, in a way just being in each other's company and knowing that we don't have to fill every minute with conversation is so wonderful.

times like these make me wonder if i want to live with a housemate. most of the time i love living alone: having my own space and being on my own. but sometimes the lonely feeling after company leaves sits so heavy in my chest that it's just too much. like it will always be this way. like people will always go somewhere else, and at the end of the day, i'll be the one to lock the door, turn off the lights, and say goodnight to the empty air.