dress up

i've given into the leggings trend. today, i decided that i wasn't going to be able to beat the heat in pants and that a mini skirt alone would leave the mystery bruise from two weeks ago exposed (not to mention more skin than is "average") so i, ever so fashionably, paired my jean mini with opaque brown leggings and a polo shirt that has a little bit of a "girly" touch on the sleeves.

now, let's clear one thing up: i'm not a skirt person.

i've worn a skirt to work three times in the last year. outside of work, i've worn a dress twice and a skirt maybe two or three times. i want to be a skirt person, but somehow i just can't bring myself to it. so in today's outfit, i was actually feeling on the, gasp, cute side. plus i did my makeup and hair, thinking it was pretty "done up" for me though no outfit is complete with my trusty converse sneakers. nonetheless, i was feeling like i actually tried, and that i had even maybe succeeded.

i had lunch with a good friend who was an exchange student to my college last year and she told me i looked cute. i was undoubtedly blushing but beaming, if only on the inside.

later that day, i had dinner with a guy friend from my university here. afterward we walked to his apartment and ended up watching a movie. i consider us friends, but there's always this awkward sexual tension vibe i get from him. like he wants me but he just can't say it or something. and i'm not interested like that, so i just let it slide. but as he walked me back to the main street he said to me, "don't you ever dress up?" (*translation of "oshare shinai no?").

ouch.

i said not to say stuff like that and he said, why? because it's like telling me that the me i am is somehow not dressy enough. not trendy enough. not...enough. my greatest fear somehow even translates through japanese, through fashion. even fashion. sigh. he tried to backtrack and said it wasn't that i wasn't fine the way i was, but! wouldn't it be nice if i dressed up a little more? and i just wanted to cry.

of course on the flip side, is a true friend not someone who can say these things to you? should i not be thankful that maybe he notices? should i not want to give up altogether since i actually tried today?

is my "trying" is just not enough? but this is me. and if you don't or can't love the me i am, then i don't need you. no?

oh, i want to be so strong, but no, i am just a good actor.