friend drama

last fall, i met a girl who was student teaching at the school. after i finally approached her and said hi, we seemed to be quick friends and i wanted to be part of her friends-circle. we both frequently write journal entries on mixi (japanese social networking site, like myspace or facebook might be) and i left a comment on one of her entries the other day and she responded to my comment. this was my emotional response (kept to myself, and now you):

"you don't know i'm in ohio. you don't leave comments or even stop by for that matter. you've got more friends than you can keep track of surely. so i regret being so nice. i regret falling hook line and sinker when you fished for someone to say they liked you. i tried to make a joke, which i actually think was half funny, and you just shrugged it off after saying, "oh, you're not in japan?" and i wonder why i try. i shouldn't waste my time on people who don't care enough to reciprocate, but i only have so many friends; i can't afford not to make some kind of effort on the ones i actually have. if you only knew what a luxury it was to have too many blogs to read and not being able to comment on all of them. sadly, mine is never one you read or even seem to acknowledge. i know my japanese isn't great, and maybe i don't write like everyone else, but i'm trying. so, i don't know whether to just give up, or to comment twice as much until you give me the time of day."

and then today, i found myself on the other end. i get the sense the other party wants to hang out so much and i just can't be bothered. we were friends in high school. sort of. i mean, as much weight as the word "friend" had for me in high school. i was never part of the "in crowd" or the "cool kids" or the "pretty girls" (and in hindsight, i ended all the much better for it) but now i've got this old friend sending me messages that come across as blunt, cold and a tad too unfriendly to warrant a quick response. earlier this week, i responded and asked what her plans were for next week and she promptly responded with her schedule, which is fairly open and flexible. i hadn't responded yet (i think that was 2 days ago?) and she has now sent me another message that seems to insinuate that i haven't done my friend duty by responding right away and picking a day time and place to get together. it's tough. i feel like i am trapped in high school again. the "who invited who but not who to what party or what event, who went with who, and how come you didn't call last night or say hi to me in the hallway when you walked by this morning, are you ignoring me?" drama.

i hate drama. i carry enough drama around for one thanks. i try not to, but i tend to be emotional, which maybe is mistaken for drama...or at least i mistake it for my own drama.

anyway, i grew up in rural ohio. i went to the only middle school and the only high school in the town. everyone knew everyone and everyone else's business too. people i had never heard of before knew who i was and my parents always threatened that the city had eyes; if we ever did anything bad, they'd find out from a little bird eventually. as a kid, i hated it. looking back on it now, it was a great place to grow up.

it's also a great place to leave. rural ohio has limitations. granted this comes from someone who doesn't consider herself a homebody, and maybe for those that do, it's a great place to stay. but having had the opportunities to go places and see things and learn so much and see so much of the world, i don't know how to see it from the other angle. i see compromise and settling. settling for whatever comes along instead of going out and trying to get what might end up being unattainable. but how can you not try? how can you not wonder what could be if you left home and had some adventure?

facebook has privied me to some mere glimpses of people who never left. one's married with kids. yes, that's plural. i can easily list another half dozen that are married and still in the area. one of them is trying to hang out with me this week. this may seem like i am anti my hometown, or anti marriage, or anti being happy where you are, and maybe there's a bit of marriage cynicism coming out, but part of me does wonder if maybe i'm missing some part of the simple notion of finding someone you love and deciding it doesn't matter where you are, as long as you're together. maybe rural ohio is just right for some people. maybe i should be giving them kudos for doing as well as they have with what they had (rural ohio does have its limitations afterall).

but my bigger fear is that i believe i'm somehow better than them for leaving. and how do i let go of my ego long enough hang out for, and enjoy, an evening with a girl i once thought i was friends with.