leap year!

i decided that in honor of today, i would play some leap frog. i did some quality facebook perusing. even living in tokyo, i'm often reminded how very small the world is. as it turns out, a couple of you are only three degrees of separation away from me.

for example, say i'm A.
and i'm friends with B.
and B is friends with C.
and C is friends with D.
and you are D.

crazy i tell ya. ...or i'm just weird and/or creepy for spending time looking at friends of blog friends (you're easier to find than you may think) but you have to admit it's pretty amazing that i happened to come across people that i had mutual friends with!! unfortunately i decided, way back when, that on facebook (and mixi) that i would only be friends with people i have actually met in real life. so, i'm hoping someday i can meet some of you and then increase the mutual friend circle!

yes, i like the sound of this idea. mostly because in the next several months, i'm going to make a conscious effort to go to new places, meet new people and try new things. i'm already planning to attend this event at the end of march and am looking for things to do during my spring break. (sarah, i may actually take you up on the tokyo friends offer.)

of course half of this is driven by the whole falling out i've had with Carr. i still like him and want to be with him, but am feeling like i've been left high and dry. it just seems so unlike him and i really was beginning to fall hard. i was imagining our future. i often caught myself daydreaming about what it would be like if things went well. i even imagined moving in together somewhere. but now...i am determined not to let this break me. i want to hope that things aren't what i think and that when i get back from canada, we can talk things out and go back to being us. but i know i'm probably just setting myself up for more heartbreak.

so it's back to the drawing board. it's back to trying to believe that i am beautiful and funny and interesting. that i have wonderful friends and to treasure them for all that they are to me. so it's back to trying to believe that i too am amazing and worth an equally amazing guy's time.

and then eyeing the cute boy across the room.

things i love thursday

inspired by galadarling, i present to you my own version of things i love thursday.
(thanks for the super cute banner too!)



.the honey mustard sauce at subway.
.great fitting jeans.
.fun shoes that make me smile.
.hooded sweatshirts.
.cinnamon lip gloss by c.o. bigelow.
.friendly taxi drivers.
.chocolate pudding.
.hand lotion that really works.
.the smell of bounce dryer sheets.

retail therapy

oh how i love shopping. (and, it might be stage one of getting over boys. i'll let you know what stage two is when i get there...)

it's almost a good thing i can't fit most clothes they sell in regular stores in japan, because if i could, i would spend WAY too much money. this way, i spend my money in concentrated spurts (and concentrated quantities it seems!) but only once or twice a year.

i went to the gap and bought a handful of things. i got two basic v-neck t-shirts, one in bright pink (think warm weather!) and one in a very "safe" color, black. i also got a short sleeve collared button-up that has some subtle frill accents in a really small green and white gingham check. again, i'm thinking spring!

then, despite the fact that i have WAY too many pairs of jeans already, i tried some on. i have lost 15-20 pounds in the last 6 months, and a lot of my pants don't fit as well as they could/should. and i found two pairs that fit great! i have a hard time finding jeans i like, so when i do find jeans that fit well, i usually just buy them. hey, i'm a working girl now, i can afford to buy myself some new things once in awhile, right?!

and then (who can resist sales?!) i got 2 pairs of shoes that were majorly marked down. they are so fun! i got a pair of vans velcro sneakers. they are black and have turquoise-ish blue accents and the same color little cartoon sharks all over them. they were on sale for $30 but then they were an additional 50% off. same deal for a pair of slip on rocketdog sneakers that are muted black with little beige dinosaur monsters all over them! i might have to be an "adult" sometimes but who says i have to wear adult shoes?? ;)

lately i have been wanting to replace my converse all star sneakers that i've worn almost every day for the last year. the soles are wearing thin and the coldness from the ground seems to go right through to my feet, not making my feet happy. and the lining on the inside is getting all worn out and bunching. and let me tell you, my feet do not like bunching.

i've also been looking for a new pair of school shoes. for the last year and a half, i've been wearing the same shoes i wore during my exchange year, back in high school. they are a light canvas shoe, like a thin version of converse all stars with two thin red stripes and red toes. because of the sentimental value, i haven't been too excited about replacing them, but they are getting holes in them and desperately need to be replaced. time i stopped dragging my feet i guess.

so, i think the shark shoes will be more of everyday shoes and the slip on rocketdogs will be my new school shoes. i'm hoping the dinosaur monsters on my shoes will be the only monsters i have in class this coming year!!

i can always hope, right? ;P

"i need back-up, i need company, i need to be inspired..."

so i've been in canada for a week now. there are probably a million and one things i could or should blog about, but i just...well, i'm not really sure what. i just don't feel like writing lately. damn boy.

anyway, i went to toronto this weekend with the other chaperone teacher, Ms. Ohio. i haven't ever talked about Ms. Ohio, but i should have by now. that'll be in a post to come. and the big yay about this trip to toronto: my parents came up from states. it was so good to see them. so, so good.

this whole trip to canada has been what i needed, in so many ways. i didn't think i needed to see my parents, but in hindsight, i think i did. plus, i've needed a little taste of all things english. i've needed to eat a bunch of the things i love. i've needed to have a "normal" school schedule. i've needed to get away from the heartbreak.

at the same time, it's got me questioning what i'm doing in japan. not in a huge way, just in a sub-concious stream of thought that i seem to do an excellent job of supressing when i'm actually in japan.

i still love living in japan. i love my coworkers. i love the challenge of japanese. i love having my own little life in tokyo. i love the conveniences that i have in my life. but sometimes i wonder, is that enough? are all those little things enough to keep me in a country that sometimes makes life so hard for me? or can i learn to let those things slide, and focus on (and/or make/put in/get in my life) those amazing things that don't change just because i'm living in a foreign country?

i see so many successful couples (well, "see" online through blogs) in japan and i daydream (almost pathetically) of a day when that will be me. i'm torn between these feelings of being young and having so much before me, the world, and yet wanting so much to come home to a man who loves me and who makes me feel alive and who inspires me to be something so much more, each and every day.

but, why can't i inspire myself to be that...

this is all just stream of conscience and it may need to be addressed more thoroughly when i'm not emotional, missing my parents.

get gone

i have been avoiding posting...

because i didn't want every post to be a rant, rave or pathetic cry over a boy. but after crying myself to sleep two nights this week and having another good cry this morning while writing an email i won't send, i think i need to pull myself back up, back together, and get on with myself. (whether i will be able to right away is a totally different story, but at least the logical thought is there.) i don't know what's going on with Carr, but i do know the silence hurts more than i ever thought it would. turns out i really do like him.

that being said, valentine's day came and went. i made mini heart shaped brownies for all my coworkers. sprinkled with powdered sugar, they were quite cute, if i do say so myself! i came home early and after my shower, decided to put my hair in curlers.

yesterday i had a head of curls that i had no idea what to do with! i got a few compliments but spent the day rushing around teaching 4 classes, finishing making final exams and listening CDs, and running a mini-meeting with a handful of teachers to talk about the next 3 weeks because...

i'm going to canada! nope, i'm not from canada. i'm going for work. 29 of the 3rd year middle school students are doing a 4 week homestay/english study program outside of toronto. they are there now with the main chaperone and the vice principal. i am leaving tomorrow and will switch places with the vice principal and stay for the remaining 3 weeks.

while i'm gone, someone has to cover my classes, hence the meeting. i prepared a lot of review worksheets and things, worrying that the teachers would be stuck with no plans and not know what to do with my classes. they had a hundred questions and didn't understand the tic tac toe game i made and acted stunned, like i was asking them to stop global warming. i don't doubt that they can DO it, it's that it'd just be 100 times easier if i was going to be there to JUST DO IT MYSELF.

i'm horrible at delegating. i know it. the final exams will also be given during the 3 weeks i'm gone. i made the exam, the listening CDs and the answer key, but i have this sinking feeling that SOMETHING will go wrong and it'll all be my fault. that i missed some very important detail. that i didn't do enough. (do we see a life theme here?)

i left work stressed and a bit frantic, trying to get to an appointment i made earlier in the week. should've known my last day was not a good day to try to leave work right on time/on the early side. i called the place, and luckily, they'd had a cancellation, so they moved me back an hour and a half. i got my first bikini wax. seems like by now most people my age have been having them for years...? so maybe, like so many things, i'm just a late bloomer. haha. anyway, it was semi-uncomfortable, but the lady was really nice and efficient. her english was perfect and she was really sweet and talkative, which helped a lot.

Chelsea came with me. we met up beforehand and chatted in a coffee shop since i suddenly had extra time. afterward, we went to macdonald's and she had the new shakashaka (?) chicken and i uploaded all the photos from her camera onto my computer. because...

we went to kyoto together last weekend! it was a national holiday on monday, so we took advantage of the 3 day weekend and took the night bus on friday night to kyoto. we spent saturday, sunday and half of monday wandering around, taking buses, walking, taking hundreds of photos, and just enjoying a leisurely vacation. we caught the shinkansen back to tokyo on monday evening and i crashed into bed at a decent time (before 10pm) for once. Chelsea is leaving japan on april 1st, so we wanted to go somewhere together. both of us have been to kyoto, so we didn't hit up all the "main attractions" but we did see kiyomizudera and ginkakuji and walked around the gion district. we ate dinner at a fabulous place we stumbled upon, and ate breakfast at a coffee shop around the corner from our hostel that had at least 20 different kinds of tea. it was wonderful.

today i have to start (and finish!?) getting ready for canada. i have plans to see Bee, Style, Gum and 3 other college friends tonight, which should be a lot of fun. we all went out last month and decided we should try to all get together once a month. if only i hadn't told them i had a boyfriend last time, because i don't really want to talk about it right now. and! put a few drinks in me, and i'll be angry or sad or likely to call him, or all of the above, and that's just not pretty.

off to do some laundry and clean out the fridge. and here's to pulling myself together and being okay with a little heartbreak:


"cuz i've done what i could for you,
and i do know what's good for me,
and i'm not benefiting, instead i'm sitting
singing again, singing again, singing again,
sing, sing, sing again

how can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
'm i gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
nothing to figure out; i gotta get him out
it's time the truth was out that he don't give a shit about me"

-fiona apple "get gone"

japanese language proficiency test

results are in: i passed level 2!!


kanji/vocab: 62/100
listening: 96/100
reading/grammar: 144/200

total: 302/400

sofa

my sofa came today!!!

i chose the "morning delivery" option and set my alarm for 8:45 in anticipation of the 9-12 o'clock delivery period. unlike the stereotypical american delivery service, japanese delivery services (in my experience thus far) are usually quite prompt and sometimes even call a bit ahead to confirm that you'll be home.

they arrived around 9:45 and brought my sofa in, put it where i wanted, and took all the cardboard and protective wrapping home with them!! i moved my tv to the table opposite the sofa, opened the 10meter tv cable i bought, ran it from my bedroom, under the rug and was all set up to watch tv from my sofa.

then proceeded to lounge in my sofa ALL day.

sometime in the afternoon, i broke out my new toaster and made toast. then later an english muffin. then another piece of toast later. my new toaster makes PERFECT toast.

my apartment really is becoming home. it only took 10 months, but i love it. i can relax and really enjoy being home.

so, today was a perfect sunday, minus the fact that i needed to do a load of two of laundry but the snow (so rare in tokyo!) kept me inside. i just couldn't bring myself to go out in the cold. and if Carr hadn't had to work today, we could have lounged on the sofa all day...together. ;)

the b word

Carr's been sick. turns out he had shingles. after two weeks of limited texting and even more infrequent phone calls (which was different than the way it had been since we met), he finally texted me and quite regularly asked,

"what are you doing?"

"i just got home from shopping and am in front of my computer. what are you doing?"

"i went to work, and then to dinner with everyone, and now i'm on my way home. but, i was thinking about coming over..."

"come over!"

"i'll be there in about 30 minutes."

"okay!"


it was just so good to see him, to hug him, to see his facial expressions while talking (i hate the phone, and the feeling is magnified in japanese). i didn't realize how much he makes me smile, and how much i love just holding hands and, essentially, being 16 again. all giddy and happy.



while waiting for Carr to come over, Bee called. he just got back from a business trip to portugal.

"i brought back wine from portugal, so we have to have a wine night..."

"tonight??" (can you sense the anxiety?)

"why, don't you have plans tonight?"

"no, i do, that's why i was worried."

"oh, what are you doing?"

"i'm, um, having company..."

"oh, who?"

"uh...i hate to break out the "b word"...but, um, yeah..."

"the "b word" eh? wow." (aka "whoa, when did THAT happen?!")

"yeah..."

"i'll have to meet him and give my approval."

"um, i don't know about that. hahaha. but yeah, maybe..."

"but no, hey, good for you. then, i'll talk to you later. go get yours..."





as happy as he makes me, why am i so hesitant to let Bee and Style meet him?

and, i really should be able to say boyfriend.

shopping and fujimama's

i have spent way too much in the past week or so. yet, this morning i went to shinjuku with Chelsea and bought a bunch of stuff:

-a toaster (on my home wish list)
-a 10 meter tv cable (one of my 50 for 2008!)
-a brownie pan (baking more, another 50 for 2008!)
-a tube of MAC concealer (Chelsea swears by it...)
and...
-a shinkansen ticket for next weekend (destination TBA at a later date)

then we headed to harajuku and went to fujimama's. we were just in time for their amazing brunch (til 4pm).

at 1600yen, "The Plate" has kind of a hefty price tag, but you get a lot of food:

3 strips of bacon
2 patty sausages
2 biscuits with gravy
eggs (any style)
potatos (wedges?)
and 2 pancakes

oh, it was so delicious. for the most part, the company is more important than the food to me. in japan, i could consider myself a picky eater (seafood and i are still trying to get along). but whether i think the food is really good or really bad, if the company is good, i usually enjoy myself. of course, i went with chelsea today, so the company was excellent, but the food took center stage.

i fear fujimama's will become an expensive weekend habit.