"i need back-up, i need company, i need to be inspired..."

so i've been in canada for a week now. there are probably a million and one things i could or should blog about, but i just...well, i'm not really sure what. i just don't feel like writing lately. damn boy.

anyway, i went to toronto this weekend with the other chaperone teacher, Ms. Ohio. i haven't ever talked about Ms. Ohio, but i should have by now. that'll be in a post to come. and the big yay about this trip to toronto: my parents came up from states. it was so good to see them. so, so good.

this whole trip to canada has been what i needed, in so many ways. i didn't think i needed to see my parents, but in hindsight, i think i did. plus, i've needed a little taste of all things english. i've needed to eat a bunch of the things i love. i've needed to have a "normal" school schedule. i've needed to get away from the heartbreak.

at the same time, it's got me questioning what i'm doing in japan. not in a huge way, just in a sub-concious stream of thought that i seem to do an excellent job of supressing when i'm actually in japan.

i still love living in japan. i love my coworkers. i love the challenge of japanese. i love having my own little life in tokyo. i love the conveniences that i have in my life. but sometimes i wonder, is that enough? are all those little things enough to keep me in a country that sometimes makes life so hard for me? or can i learn to let those things slide, and focus on (and/or make/put in/get in my life) those amazing things that don't change just because i'm living in a foreign country?

i see so many successful couples (well, "see" online through blogs) in japan and i daydream (almost pathetically) of a day when that will be me. i'm torn between these feelings of being young and having so much before me, the world, and yet wanting so much to come home to a man who loves me and who makes me feel alive and who inspires me to be something so much more, each and every day.

but, why can't i inspire myself to be that...

this is all just stream of conscience and it may need to be addressed more thoroughly when i'm not emotional, missing my parents.