the decision

this past tuesday, i walked into the principal's office and the vice principal and principal played a very japanese-y version of musical chairs so that i was in the "guest" seat. i pulled a pack of pocket tissues from my pocket and laughed, "i came prepared..." the principal insisted that he had intended to give me the whole box off his desk. he knows me too well. my heart was beating in my throat and i felt car sick.

now or never.

i asked to end my contract early. (at the end of the school year, in march, instead of the end of august like my contract says.) i said i'm so grateful that i was able to come back to my japanese alma mater, and that i don't think i will find better coworkers anywhere, but that there are other things i want to do.

the principal took it all in stride. he said they were equally as grateful that i wanted to come back as a teacher, that he believes i am a good teacher, and that he thinks i will find good people where ever i go because i am a good person, but he understands that there may be other things out there. he gave me his support in whatever it is that i do in future (which i didn't explicitly share, even though he asked) but said to please know that if it doesn't work out, or i ever want to come back, that i will always have a place at the school.

he asked if i was planning on staying in japan. we talked of my japanese studying. he said if i ever needed anything to call him up. and to visit, "you're only in tokyo afterall!" (which is funny, because when i moved to tokyo, everyone commented how it was "so far" and now it's close...?)

i wondered aloud how quickly it would take for the rumors to spread and both the principal and the vice principal assured that they wouldn't say anything other than what they have to which would probably be in january (to the main office and to certain people to start the hiring a replacement process, etc.) and that they officially announce the teachers who will be leaving at the march staff meeting, but otherwise it was up to me to tell people or not tell people.

the vice principal looked a bit sad and said, "...but people will be surprised and won't want you to go." and i think they will. in some twisted way, it feels good to be loved. or at least liked.

it's difficult to sit in meetings discussing things like next year's speech contest, next year's english summer program, or even just next year's schedule. knowing i won't be there feels so unreal. i want to tell people, but at the same time, it keeps me safe from stressing about all the things that stressed me out this past year. i don't have to do them again. of course it makes everything happening in the next four months more important because it will be the last time. but it's time to move on...

i don't have another job lined up at the moment. my parents are coming to visit in april and then i'm going to relax, go for walks, take photos, sleep in every day, ride my bike around tokyo, spend time with friends...just take some time off for a little while. i want to work on mt fuji again, so that's in there, dates to be determined (but all of july and august at the very least, hopefully something more like june through the end of september). after that, we'll see. the world is waiting to be discovered and i'm not in any hurry to make any set in stone decisions right now.

except for the decision to move to japan after college, quitting may be the biggest decision i've ever made.

it feels scary and uncertain and HUGE.

but what it doesn't feel is wrong.

déjà vu

i was uploading some photos from the last couple weeks onto facebook and i had a photo of mt fuji that i took from the train on my morning commute. the train i ride in the morning is a non-stop 22 minute express train, but i could've sworn i had a very similar photo from last winter. so, i went looking for it.

here are the two photos:

january 31, 2008

november 21, 2008

i don't think i could've done this if i'd tried!!

things i love thursday

the beautiful thing about things i love thursday, is that it's on thursday. and the beautiful thing about it being on thursday, is that it falls on that holiday that is always on thursday...thanksgiving!! in honor of thanksgiving, a double dose of things i love thursday. i am so lucky and so thankful. for the big things, as well as the small things.



.cupcakes.
.rice krispie treats.
.fleece socks.
.my humidifier.
.pink frosting.
.new boys.
.text messaging.
.getting off work early.
.an-an magazine.




.new books (thanks sara!).
.seeing mt. fuji from the train in the morning.
.good shoulder stretching/massages.
.making plans.
.feeling stylish.
.having an apartment in the city.
.being in japan.
.family and friends.
.all-you-can-eat turkey dinner with my boys (Bee and Style). would it be thankgiving any other way?

did someone say more boy gossip?

yeah, that's what i thought.

i met a guy through mixi several weeks ago, Mackie. after an initial flurry of messaging and texting, and some "doesn't quite feel right" moments, there was nothing. i didn't feel the need to pursue anything, thinking my initial refusal to meet him one on one and saying "i just don't trust the internet and after finding out your whole profile is a lie, it makes me wonder how many other things you'll lie about" was enough for him to consider me a lost cause. (to be completely honest, from some of his texts, it seemed like he just met girls on mixi to hook-up...so.not.my.style.)

and then saturday evening i got a text for him, "long time no see. remember me? wanna go out for drinks tomorrow?" i replied, "i have plans in the afternoon but i can probably go depending on the place. and, is it just the two of us? can i bring a friend?"

he wrote back in the morning asking how many friends and whether it would be a guy. after much texting, much standing my ground (him: "why don't we just go the two of us. i want to talk with you." me: "why are you in such a rush?? after we go out with 3 or 4 people, we can discuss meeting again." go me!) and much wondering who he really is and what he's after, we decided on a neutral location in saitama.

meanwhile i invited a recently made girl friend and she said she'd come, and made a reservation at a restaurant near the station that i've been to a few times.

i got to the station early. so did he. as he walked up to me and said hello, my friend happened to be standing almost right in front of us. we stood talking until his friend came.

we went to yakitori for a couple hours and chatted away. my friend was fairly quiet and Mackie and i did most of the talking, which, was fine by me (haha). after two hours, we left and walked my friend to the station. the remaining three of us went to another restaurant for a couple more drinks (on them!), then said goodbye and headed our separate ways.

first impressions?
he's tall and on the heavier side (finally a japanese guy taller and not skinnier than me!! haha) he wears glasses, which are cute in that geeky kind of way. he's smart (does antibody research) and when he gets tipsy, he lets the occasional dirty topic slip into conversation. in other words, he is a perfectly normal guy.

i'd even been willing to hang out again, if he's willing to initiate it.

there is something to be said for being pursued. ;)


p.s. on my way to this "blind group date", i emailed the subject of last week's boy gossip and said, "hey let's go out for dinner! i was thinking about mentioning it to your friend too..." and he wrote back, "thanks for the invite! i'll email my friend and get back to you!" i figured it safer (and less direct) to go out with both of them, but am wondering if i'm just setting myself up for more confusion. guaranteed to be fun either way, that's for sure.

macro monday

mt fuji
august 15, 2008
4:15pm

meme

Outside my window... there are some guys talking. and doing things like loading trucks and moving metal drums. saturday means nothing to the metal working company next door.

I am thinking... that i should get out of the house today. maybe make an appearance at the dr. sketchy's exhibition party? also, i should start thinking about making my new year's cards.

I am thankful for... weekends. hot tea. sleep. see any post tagged "things i love thursday".

From the kitchen... a sink full of dishes is leering at me.

I am wearing... grey sweatpants, a long sleeve t-shirt and a pull over. aka my pajamas.

I am creating... a final exam for my 3rd grade middle schoolers.

I am going... "home" four weeks from today.

I am reading... the occasional magazine at the book stand in the station.

I am hoping... things go well at work next week. i have a meeting with the principal and vice principal early in the week.

I am hearing... "where we gonna go from here" by mat kearney

Around the house... i need to clean again. i also got out the humidifier this morning and will set it up later today.

One of my favorite things... going back to bed on saturday mornings.

A few plans for the rest of the week... i've got a three day weekend, which is pretty open (on purpose) and then sarah is coming to stay on tuesday for couple days. and thursday is thanksgiving dinner with Bee and Style.

Here is a picture that I am sharing... last week at the entrance to meiji jingu, harajuku:


thanks for tagging me gina. :)

things i love thursday

.new (friend of friend) friends.
.lap blankets.
.soy milk.
.sweatpants and fleece socks.
.homemade apple pie.
.okonomiyaki and meeting boys.
.argyle.
.skype.
.music that fits my mood.

kanji "game"

this website satisfies the studying nerd in me:

readthekanji4.0

it quizes me on kanji by jlpt level

AND keeps little bar graphs and a grid to keep track of all my stats!

i love graphs.

life is sweet

i haven't seen the movie that's in this video, but it was the best music/video combination i could find. the song i listened to on repeat all the way home:





yeah, it's been a rough day.



("life is sweet" by natalie merchant)

macro monday

tokyo
january 6, 2008
7:09pm

what's a weekend without boy gossip?

life is getting complicated. or, my head is getting tangled.

i'd like to "in a nut shell" summarize the situation, but i can't come up with anything that is neat and concise. seems appropriate, i guess.

i like to think that this blog is anonymous, but i know much better than that. there are people i know in person who read it. people who know the people that i talk about. people who are friends, but sometimes i fear there is a monster of a rumor mill that has a life of its own. having said that, i continue, because we all love a little boy gossip. (a glutton for punishment, i'd say.)

last night a woman, who i only vaguely recall meeting once before, said to me that it was obvious that i have feelings for a guy we both know, who has been present both times we've met now. i've only met her once before, so i don't know how much importance i can give to her opinion, but it was unsettling. and there was alcohol involved, so i also wonder how much that factored into the conversation...

but it's got me all confused.

on top of that, the guy told me before that he wanted to introduce me to his friend. i (maybe wrongly?) assumed that the guy meant to introduce us because he thought we'd get along, or as a romantic interest. i was introduced to the friend last night and he is a really nice guy. there was flirting. (innocent grin)

but in the end, there was the woman with her, "but you like the guy, right?? it's obvious. was then is now. look at you, getting all flustered just talking about it!"

but do i? i don't know.

we all have a mental checklist of things we look for in the opposite sex. but which of those things carries the most weight? for example, does mental attraction make up for a lack of physical attraction? is a semi-boring guy okay if he's got money and a secure job? does only having a high school diploma become insignificant when the guy is a great conversationalist? or can a person overlook smoking if the guy is active and/or athletic?

what things are we willing to forgo? what things are just added pluses and which are set in stone must-haves? or is this all too rational and thought out?

am i rationalizing my way into liking the guy? or rationalizing to prove i don't?

i have no idea.

i told the woman that i have a bunch of guy friends, but that we will never be more than friends because just the thought of kissing them is gross, and that seems like a pretty good "draw the line at friends" measurement. but with this guy, it never really crossed my mind. she said, "the only way to find out is to try."

bahahaha. yeah, right.

quintessential japanese date...sort of.

yesterday i spent the day with a friend of mine from college back in ohio. we both studied abroad in tokyo as juniors and came to japan after graduation. he as a JET on a small island in okinawa, me back to tokyo. he finished 2 years in okinawa and headed home for a bit before coming back in late september for what he thought would be about 10 months. then jobs didn't appeal to him, he didn't want to bother with visa troubles, he realized he actually missed being "home" and he's antsy about going back to school. so, he'll be heading home in a couple weeks. so he's got time on his hands and i had the day off. we headed to Tokyo Dome City, more specifically, the amusement park area.

we finally met up (the area has a hundred train lines and exits, pick somewhere inside tokyo dome city, like the starbucks on the 2nd level terrace.) and made our way to thunder dolphin (1000yen). the coaster actually goes through a hole in the building, which is kind of cool. the ride is fairly decent in the world of roller coasters, but i grew up on Cedar Point, so i've been spoiled by world class roller coasters. i was also partially distracted by my desire to get a photo going through the hole.



next was the ferris wheel, the big o (800yen). it's the world's first centerless ferris wheel, though i feel like they could have come up with a more creative (and appropriate?) name.

before we got on, they took our photo. being the christmas season in japan, we were handed fake christmas presents to pose with. cheese factor, 10. we got into the car, and there was music playing! each little car had its own mp3 player with speakers. there was a selection of, you guessed it, christmas songs. we flipped through them all, but were mostly just impressed with the view of tokyo, trying to figure out where was where (is that ueno? see, the marui building? oh, and that's shinjuku. wow, they seem much closer than they usually feel. etc etc.) and taking photos as the sun began its descent behind the shinjuku skyscrapers.


the lighting was really cool in the evening and i got a couple of other pretty photos.


after that, we wandered into the stores of tokyo dome city. we spent a good while in village vanguard, a variety shop with a hodge podge of this that and everything in between. i bought a banana case and a lunch box shaped like a hamburger. just for fun stuff.

it was too early for dinner, so we decided on baskin robbins for ice cream. i had apple sorbet and it was wonderful. we sat under the illuminated trees, watching high school couples holding hands, taking photos with their cell phones and sharing ice cream. the leaves on the trees are still green or just barely orange, but are already strung with christmas lights. it's beautiful, but somehow strange. i grew up with brilliant oranges and yellows, pumpkins and the smell of fall, followed by a snow covered ground and trees with icicles hanging off their branches, sparkling from the christmas lights trapped under ice. anyway, i digress...

we called Bee, who had earlier asked what i was up to that night. we headed over toward shinjuku, had some happy hour drinks while waiting for Bee to get off work. we still had time to kill so we went to karaoke for an hour. in the beginning, we put in a couple japanese songs and then, for the novelty of it, we decided to see if we could make it a whole hour singing only japanese songs. we actually did it.

a sample of the playlist:
もう君がいない by FUNKY MONKEY BABYS
チェリッシュ by NEWS
粉雪 by レミオロメン
Best Friend by Kiroro

(side note: amusement park complete with ferris wheel ride, window shopping, ice cream under illuminated trees, karaoke...am i missing any of the stereotypical date activities?!)

after an hour, we headed out and met up with Bee. Bee started a new job a couple weeks ago so he invited two of his new coworkers too. we went to the restaurant, our favorite yakitori place, and it was full. with 4 groups on a waiting list ahead of us, we decided to wait. we got drinks from the convenience store and parked ourselves on the railing outside. an hour later, we were still there, hungry. we rock paper scissored for who had to go buy nikumans from the convenience store. Bee lost the first time. about 20 minutes later we played again. i lost. one of the guys insisted that since i was the only girl, there was no way i should have to buy 4 guys' food. but i lost fair and square, so off i went to find nikumans. i had to try 2 stores before i found one that had 5! haha. we actually had a great time, just standing on the sidewalk, talking and laughing and eating our nikumans.

we finally got into the restaurant just before 11pm and continued drinking, eating and having a great time. Bee's coworkers were really funny and it was a great day to end a blah week.

...maybe next time i can ride the ferris wheel on a real date.

things i love thursday

i did it again. clearly already in weekend mode.



.ken min no hi (yay three day weekend!).
.invites to an amusement park.
.shabu shabu.
.apples.
.riding the train.
.new contacts.
.new work friends.
.cooking dinner and having leftovers for my bento.
.this song: 手紙 by 九州男 feat. hiroko(mihimaru GT).

quote of the day

it's your lucky day, two in one day!

"I really mean it about you having an exceptional outlook on things and being able to live your dreams. Don't sell yourself short! ... I think I have lived my life, on occasion, by selling out to convention or convenience. But I am starting to dream bigger dreams. And don't you ever stop thinking outside of your current situation..."

-high school classmate and recent divorcee

quote of the day

"When you just don't know what you want, want happiness, and when you just don't know what to do, do anything."

-the Universe

more exhaustion.

i'm back to being my exhausted self. i worked saturday at the school's open house (for prospective students) and then had a parent teacher dinner which lasted 4 hours, too much beer for some (not me) and lots of pretending to be having a great time. i got home and, leaving my clothes exactly where they hit the floor, i crashed. i did nothing yesterday. well, as long as nothing means idle around the internet, watch tv, fall asleep on the couch and in the end wander to the grocery store for food for dinner. i did cook dinner. and then i watched more tv. and then i was in bed by 11pm. with any luck, tonight will be even earlier.

today i was dragging at work. it MIGHT have been the 4 hours listening to middle schoolers' english speeches, which were of 3 varieties: monotone, practically whispered, or pronounced with such a strong japanese accent i wasn't sure what they were saying. or some combination of the three. the last one is somewhat forgivable (though completely disheartening as i begin to wonder what i've even spent the last 2+ years actually DOING) but the first two together are deadly. actually, the first years memorized a simple children's story in english and recited it in pairs, and most of them did fine. but you can only listen to (for example) the three little pigs so many times before you want to punch the cute little pigs AND the wolf.

granted i could be overworked and frantically trying to meet deadlines and impress supervisors, but sometimes too much down time is a deadly thing. actually, for me, it almost always is. too much time on my hands equals too much thinking and too much thinking equals wallowing. and wallowing leads to feeling tired and drained and downright yucky. it's a vicious circle but i just don't quite know how to get out of it. the recent cold weather isn't helping either. i just want to stay under the covers all day. the saving grace of winters in tokyo: the amazing blue sky and occasionally seeing mt fuji from the train on my way to work. i'm hanging on for those...

macro monday

kyoto prefecture
october 25, 2008
9:48am

things i love thursday

.halloween shaped pasta.
.a filling social calendar.
.pizza for dinner.
.spontaneous soccer after school.
.head massages at the hair dressers.
.subway turkey sandwiches.
.reading some of a japanese newspaper article.
.surprise postcards in the mail.
.warm scarves.

history made

barack obama, the 44th president of the united states.

i spent the morning reloading cnn.com on the *one* computer with working internet in the staff room and updated anyone who would listen on the states' colors, overall popular vote and current electoral vote count. you'd think i was a fan of politics. for a day at least.

history in the making, but i feel so far away from all the hype that i'm sure is happening all over the u.s. i live in a figurative bubble. usually i'm okay with that, but this feels like something bigger that i'm somehow missing out on. oh well.しょうがない.

oh, and this, just because it's too cute not to share:

the best parts? "indivisible" and the last 7 seconds.

macro monday

not because i need another "day specific" blog post to make*, but because i have so many macro photos with no where to go.

now, they do. welcome to macro monday!


miyagi prefecture
march 22, 2008
11:43am



*though with scheduled posting, months of macro mondays can be made ahead of time...imagine the possibilities! in fact, i just went through my photos from the last two years and i have enough photos for seven months of macro mondays without even trying. wowzers.

october's over

inventory time.

i wasn't very conscious of my 50 for 2008 during october, so we'll see what actually makes it on the list...

5--i didn't exactly bake more, but i did use the wire rack in my oven for the first time to make delicious pizza for my halloween party.

7--cleaning took a huge hit this month. i couldn't see the floors, much less think about vacuuming them, for most of the month!

14--i also didn't pay to call home, but i did have a skype date with my parents, so i think that counts.

15--my hoops are still in the corner. i have no excuse but laziness.

32--read a book a month has turned into read a book AT ALL! :/

36--bernadette is still alive. everything else has pretty much died. getting ready for winter. will have to bring bernadette inside: must figure out what i'm going to put her on so water doesn't end up all over my bedroom.

41--my one big success this month (and i almost even forgot about it because it seems so long ago!) i finished a book of japanese short stories by a middle schooler. hey, everybody's gotta start somewhere, right?? i was quite proud when i put it down, finished. :)

all i found

it's a strange feeling, being examined by someone on the other end of the internet.

his name popped up on the "足あと" (footprints) page four times in the last two hours. but is it more ridiculous that i've actually LOOKED AT my footprints page four times in the last two hours?

i've clicked "see profile" for my own profile to double check the bits and pieces that are me scattered on a templated mixi profile.

exactly what he's seeing.

is there something out of place?

is that community i joined on a whim making him wondering what i weirdo i am?
(eh, even i think i'm a little weird.)

is he re-reading the "intros" my friends have written about me?
(no worries here, my friends wrote lovely things that make me look good!)

is he wondering if that guy who said our connection was "ひみつ♪” (secret) is my boyfriend?
(he's not.)

is he looking at my profile picture wondering if i'm somewhere in it?
(i am.)


what is he looking for?

or, what is he seeing?


i've tried looking for it too, but all i found was me.

sunday ☆s

☆ this week i had plans every day of the week. phew. no wonder i was feeling crap by friday. i went in late to work on thursday because of an upset stomach and friday was a constant headache. a nice little three day weekend will do just fine thankyouverymuch.

☆ friday, near the end of work day, i texted a coworker (he and i started working at the same time, in the middle of the school year, so we always joke about being our own "class" since we didn't start when everyone else did and have a distinct group that we started with) from across the staff room and said, "気分転換しよ〜よ" (the best translation i can come up with is: let's go out and blow off work stress. haha) and he wrote back, "いいねぇ！" gotta love texting from 10 feet away. we went to shabushabu near school. it was delicious. after dinner we sat and chatted and we wanted to go bowling but it was too late, so we stopped off at some batting cages instead. it was awesome! i love the batting cages. i'm not the best batter, but i hit a couple nice fly balls into the high net and just barely caught the ball more than half of the time. he dropped me off at the station, i made my way home and was in bed before 11pm. happy halloween, right? haha.

☆last night i took Newbie along to an international party that i found out about on mixi. it was from 7pm to 9:30pm in shibuya. i was horrible at pretending i didn't speak japanese. (hey, i can't help it if i laugh when they say something funny!) there were several cute guys, some who could speak english even, but turns out they were all about five years younger than me! yeah, 困るよ. a bunch of us (including said cute YOUNG boy) went to saizeriya for food and then off to take purikura. now, don't get me wrong, i like purikura just as much as the next girl, but the other girl we were with was adamant that we all go and take purikura. and was all giggly and excited about it too! yeah, i was feeling old. i exchanged numbers with all the guys but never really hold my breath on things like this.

☆ i got home after the party and spent a couple hours messaging back and forth on mixi with a guy. earlier saturday, i was wasting time, clicking communities and profiles and from that, i got two messages in my inbox. i'm wary of mixi, but i figure messaging is harmless. who knows...it's fun for now. one of the guys from last night texted me too. he was kind of boring though so i'm not jumping in my seat. sorry guy.

☆ i'm all out of gain laundry detergent. so, i switched to cheer concentrate. the laundry is in the dryer right now (at the laundromat) but i brought home two sweaters to air dry and every once in a while i get drafts of it. lovely. now if i could just figure out where in the kitchen the mystery smell is coming from...yuck.

☆ i seriously debated turning on the heater yesterday but just didn't have the heart to...it's just too early! i have, however, been wearing my fleece socks around the house since last week. very cozy.

☆ i wish i had plans tonight. i am doing what i should though, which is staying home and doing nothing/relaxing. in these situations, i wish i had someone who would just come over and snuggle on the couch and watch tv with me.