five a.m. dream

i walked up a street of campus, students wandering across streets with no concern for cars; they own this town.

and i could tell by his walk, it was him. and i half hoped he knew it was me. we got closer and in the middle of the street, he calmly said, "no way." and i hugged him and said, "how are you?" as we stood there, aquantainces, other friends from school, younger than me, younger than him, gathered. i surprised a few of them, being on campus. AA was so excited to see me. he invited me to have coffee, and i accepted. he said, "yeah, we're on our way there now." we?

him and a gaggle of girls. i tagged along. that's the polite thing to do, right? i didn't really know the girls, but he invited, and, well, i wouldn't mind having coffee with him, even it meant sharing. AA was tagging along to talk to me and as we neared the restaurant, she pulled me aside, "jo, i don't know if you wanna go..." "why?" "well, they're all getting together to talk about their fantasies, so none of them will be uncomfortable with each other." oooh, it's THAT kind of gathering of girls. whoa.

we got the the restaurant and as i wondered how he was going to start a conversation in such a place, i saw him about to go inside and i yelled out his name. the others all went inside and we stood outside the door. i said,

"hey, i don't know if i belong here."
"what do you mean?"
"i mean...

suddenly i was laying down in a bed, right there in the tiny courtyard entrance to the restaurant, under a fluffy comforter, him sitting next to me, the comforter blocking my view of him.

"...there are days i still think about you and wonder what it would have been like. but i know it wouldn't have worked out. some days i wonder what it would have been like to be with you. but it didn't work out, because it wasn't supposed to. you know...?"

i sat up and looked at him. was he crying? was i crying?
i think he said, "ouch," as if taking a low blow to his ego.
"sorry, am i being too blunt?"
he started to talk, "it's just..." and instead of finishing his sentence, he leaned in and to kiss me.
"whoa, wait..."

he leaned in closer, as i leaned back, away from him. he was persistent, gently pushing me back and moving himself next to me on the bed.

"what are you doing?...hey...stop..."

my lips were dry, which made kissing him awkward, but it was him, and i couldn't put my foot down and really make him stop. i let the words out anyway, "really...stop...what...?..."

"i hate all the hate."
"what hate? i don't hate you..." and i started to get a little angry. "it wasn't going to work out!"

he said, "i love the hate..." in a voice clearly turned on by my resistance. he pushed me back onto the bed, the comforter between us and the window to the restaurant. and because it was him, i couldn't really say no....

...and then i woke up.




aahhh, crazy (lonely) jet lag induced dreams. ha.


i guess i will always be attracted to him, even when it doesn't make sense to be.