bittersweet

i felt sick from the time i woke up. i knew this day was coming, and i'd had a wonderful weekend with ample amounts of sewing, baking, friends, sunshine and walking. but no amount of blue skies and sun were going to make a difference, it seemed.

first period i had to administer a proficiency test for the 3rd years. it was english, so i took the test along with them and then wrote some notes of what i wanted to say. after that i made my usual escape to the nurse's office. i use the scale there once a week or so and love chatting with the two nurse's. fabulous ladies, really.

i walked back toward the staff room, stopping by the cafeteria to pick up a lunch box. the vice principal was sitting, alone, eating his usual ramen lunch. i approached him and asked if today was the day. and he said, "yeah, i wrote that we'll be having a meeting on the board. 12:30." right. i needed the next hour to prepare myself. but, i still managed to chat with the bread shop ladies (who, it shall be noted, have been on the outs with me after a particularly unneeded comment by one of them several months ago. maybe i was just in a bad mood? i still have a chit chat with them every once in awhile, but not as much as before.) i spilled the beans about my date on wednesday (it shall also be noted that the nickname Noki totally doesn't fit this guy and i want to change it but nothing good has come to mind)

as i turned to leave, i saw a coworker (i've never posted about him, but he's an english teach and the middle school soccer coach and we've worked closely for the last two years). by now the vice principal had left, so he was sitting alone. i broke the news to him, not that it was much different, but i said i wanted to say something privately, but never knew when or how.

i went back to the staff room and things seemed so different. no, it was only me. i made a cup of tea and pulled out some raisin biscuit snacks out of my desk. 25 more minutes.

two trips to the bathroom and lots of fidgiting later, the meeting was called. there was some news about a teacher who's been absent since the beginning of the year (kind of an older fragile LOVELY man) and then your classic "the flu is going around, please remind kids to gargle and WASH THEIR HANDS!!" announcement, and then it came:

"and, jo has some news..."

i awkwardly stood up, asking if i should stand (insert nervous laugh) and i stepped back so no one was behind me. and then i started crying. ha. go me. back to my desk for tissues. and then i started to talk. and my mind went blank. back to my desk for my notes that i'd jotted down earlier (good thing!!)

and with that, i announced to the middle school staff room that i was quitting in march.

there were a lot of surprised faces, some reassuring, some just attentively listening, and one even teary eyed face. i was, needless to say, a blubbering mess. but i got it all out and then sat back down and felt completely out of place.

the british teacher who sits next to me was in semi-shock (or maybe just me?). his japanese isn't all that great, but he figured out what was happening. and i felt kind of bad for not saying anything sooner, but...well, he wouldn't be one of the first people i'd feel obligated to tell, despite the fact that we work so closely. we get along on a professional level, but i don't think we'd be friends if we'd met under different circumstances.

lunch was over and teachers got moving to their classrooms and other business. and i just sat there. i didn't know what to do.

and soon, one of my favorite teachers came in. she'd had a high school class during the time of the meeting, so she wasn't there. so i "psst"ed at her across the desks and said, "i told everyone..." and she looked at me, "told them what?" "that i'm quitting..." and she came scurring around the desks and ushered me out into the visitor's room. and i said it again. and she started crying. and she hugged me. and i cried. and it was a pitiful sight i'm sure! ha.

she told me that she'd heard in passing from the vice principal, and that he and her were both really shocked and surprised. and that she'd also talked to with Ms. Ohio (they both cried about it apparently) who has been so wonderful going to dinner once in awhile and listening to me during the last couple months of all this decision making. but she said that she didn't want to believe it was true and now hearing it from me, she was so sad. and my heart broke. but she realized that there are other things i want to do and i should while i can. she lives near me, so i said, "we'll still be close! i'm not moving!" and she said, "but if i can't see you everyday...!!" she's like a mother to me. always listens to my stories and worries and always understands when i'm down and out or laughs with me when i'm giddy and chatty.

i left the visitor's room with her, laughing about something, and joined some coworkers at the back table who were eating lunch. it was seemingly normal, but i felt so weird. just, unsettled, i guess.

in the afternoon, we third year teachers had a meeting to discuss awards for the upcoming graduation and before the meeting started, the woman who sits next to me said that when i got up and started saying, "i've got a personal announcement..." she thought it was going to be some kind of celebratory announcement. i laughed and said, "you thought i was going to say i'm getting married?!!!" and she said "yeah..." and another teacher chipped in that he thought so too! i laughed and then, on a more serious note, said, "oh, well then, sorry to disappoint you!"

on the way home, i ended up on the bus with the english teacher/soccer coach and said i really wondered what everyone was thinking, and he said, "i'm sure they all think it's sad, but there's not much else anyone can do...you know? you're gonna leave a big hole, and it's sad, but it's the decision you've made." and i kind of laughed and said, "yeah, no one's gonna throw their hand up and yell, 'NO! i won't accept it! i oppose!!'" and he laughed too. i jokingly asked, "why didn't you??" and he shot back, "we should have had a meeting beforehand to discuss it! hahaha."

i'm glad we can joke about it still. hopefully it stays that way for most of the next 7 weeks. i can't handle too much more crying at work. or, rather, i don't want to cry at work anymore. i did enough of that in my time there, this is a time to have fun and be carefree and enjoy it for only what it is and nothing that it isn't. i love my coworkers. i just don't like my job.

it's all so bittersweet.