don't let my things i love thursday lists fool you too much. two weeks in and we're still working out the kinks.
Ro has expectations i find hard to meet and i imagine it's not directly related to me, but has to do with a general situation of uncertainty lately with his job and life and everything else. which in the end, includes me, but he's been really temperamental and irritable lately. the first couple days, i didn't have a lot of time to unpack because of my work schedule, but i used whatever time i had to organize and empty box after box. apparently i should have been vacuuming and cleaning up and doing things that benefited "us" and not only "me" since he had already spent more than his fair share doing things for "our" move and he should get time to do things he wants now. to his credit, he has done a lot. he dealt with the movers and the internet and the curtains and sofa and ikea deliveries. but it had only been a week and he was asking me why i hadn't vacuumed yet. it's not like i was sitting around after work watching tv and sewing on my sewing machine instead of unpacking. in fact, my sewing machine (and all my fabric) are still in boxes... sigh.
there was another heart to heart this morning in which Ro tried to tell me that living together and getting married were the same thing and that nothing would change. i told him any guy who thinks that is a) 最悪 and b) in for a rude awakening if he thinks i'm going to live with him and never get married (because nothing would change anyway, right?!) and that while it may not look like anything changes, everything changes. at least from a girl's point of view.
yep, Ro got his rude awakening from me this morning.
one of my biggest fears was losing my "me" time. since i don't work a M-F 9-5 job, i figured i would have a weekday or two, when Ro was at work, to be at home alone. he would have saturday (or sunday when i work sundays) to have his time alone. but now, he's on a leave from work, so there are rarely times when i am home and he's not. me time? zero.
but he just left and he's gone for the rest of the day, and i'm enjoying the absolutely no pressure, freedom to do whatever i want. is it weird that i want to clean the house from top to bottom in a i'll-show-you kind of attitude? one of his biggest fears was that the house would be as messy as my old apartment. i make the bed every day (though lately he's still IN it when i leave, so i make it when i come home) and wash all the dishes (even the ones from his lunch that day while i was at work) and take out the trash every time and i have already cleaned the toilet once. i know this isn't a "what's the score" deal, but i can't help feeling like the energy i have put into making sure this apartment doesn't look like my old apartment, is lost on him. conversely, he thinks i don't know or appreciate how much time he spent on internet issues, deliveries, etc etc. we're both just so stubborn so there's really no resolution.
and while we're getting it out, i feel like the "me-ness" has gotten lost in our living space. his tv and his dvds (i don't have any! ha) and his manga on his tv stand, his cups and his rugs everywhere...i have tried to keep my "mess" contained to my half of the office, but he hasn't done the same. he claims he'll read the manga in the living room, and his bookshelf in the office is full. so what about my magazines? why do i have to keep everything in the office? it's probably just me being sentimental and resisting change or assuming i can't put my magazines in the living room, so i'll get over it i'm sure but it's feeling a bit like a double standard. it's like, "well you have so much stuff, so keep it contained, but i don't, so i can put it out and about and where ever i please." hmph.
anyway, off to vacuum and play my music really loud. :P
Thursday, February 24, 2011
two weeks in
posted by j. at 3:07 PM
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3 comments:
As adults I think it is much harder to start living with someone, there's always 'space' issues. I remember the first girl I lived with all my stuff was in my bedroom other than the fridge, I often wondered why I moved out of home :(
I hope you can come to some agreement about things required to live a 'happy' life under the same roof. The key is compromise but it has to be done by both of you. (I'm the first to admit it isn't easy, I'm stubborn too)
If you are thinking of marriage somewhere down the line setting some ground 'rules' ie his/her jobs, private time, expectations etc should help your relationship because you then know where you stand.
Good luck with the rest of the transition...ultimately living together is much less boring!!
Oh I know how you feel one hundred and fifty percent! When I first moved in with Y, thinking that he was a messy person, I told him to keep things tidy...please..And for the most part, he did not. I am quite particular, as are most people who have spent time living alond, I think. He is not so much. We had big fights about it. He hates fighting. So actually, I mostly shouted at him and he sat and sulked. But then one day he snapped a little. He told me he hated it when I left PET bottles on the counter, didn't wash towels after every use, left my shoes all over the entrance. It was then that I realised I had been treating our house like my home, where in fact, it was now OUR home. May I tentatively suggest that Ro is doing the same as I was..? Maybe he needs some pointing out by you of the things he does but you don't like (sorry, I'm not sure if you told him the things that you wrote down here). And I think unfortunately, a lot of it is like a point game. I read somewhere that that's how people in general divide jobs. Maybe hasn't really thought about the need to compromise, but as your other commenter said, compromise is essential. On the bright side, Y and I don't seem to bother each other so much anymore. I think we both compromised somewhat, had big rows where truths got blurted out and problems then talked over. You do eventually find a way that suits co-habiting x
I'm not sure if you two are "room-mates" or if you two have actually made the commitment to "live together" as a couple. But, one thing is for sure. Why, if you two are a couple, would you want to have all the responsibilities of keeping the home clean and neat? I am half japanese and I am very aware of how the Japanese culture is. I know that things are very different from when my parents married. Since you work outside the home, he should be helping out MUCH more! You should not have to make the bed when you come home if he was the last one in it! And he should do "his" dishes from his breakfast or lunch and pick up after himself when he's home alone all day. And if he's not having to go out to work then he should certainly be making dinner for you both so you can sit down and eat after having been gone all day! Seriously. Are you his maid/cook/housekeeper? Or are you his live-in girlfriend? No one should have a set chore. Both should work together to benefit the whole. And if this is what he's like when you aren't married to him, I can only imagine then that IF he married you, it would only be worse! He is a spoiled little boy and you deserve better.
But! That is all said based on what I've read here. And from what I've read thus far, this is a very one sided relationship and you are getting the short end of the stick! Talk to him work together to make this a true,loving and lasting relationship/partnership where you both look out for each other.
Good luck.
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