anticipation.

dinner with Oto fell through but i'm not too fussed. of course it'd be nice to see him before he leaves for 2 years, but we didn't really keep in touch once he quit, and i can't say that i've been pining away either. haha.

on to better news! i bought tickets for Blue Man Group! i was talking about it last weekend at the beach house and Ty said he wanted to see it too. i asked the rest of The Group if they wanted to go and Bee contemplated but eventually decided he can't afford it at the moment. i told Ty no one else wanted to go and Ty said he had a friend who might be interested and would ask. i said, "yeah, ask your friend! but even if they can't go that i still want to go, even if it's just the two of us (unless you don't want to! haha)."

that was a few days ago. he texted me this morning, "let's go just the two of us." so, there you have it: blue man group, july 17th, with Ty. i'm super excited to see Blue Man Group, because they are awesome and put on an amazing show, but i'm also excited about going with Ty. such a sucker i am.

i have also been texting fairly regularly with Parker the past week or so. and, in my fits of sleep this morning (the neighborhood woke up around 7:30am, with my neighbor's alarm clock beeping for a solid 15 minutes before that...grr) i had a dream about him. though, for the time being, almost too real dreams seem to be the closest i'm going to get to cuddling. ...sigh.

and there's that date with CB next weekend too. i'm excited, and a bit giddy, but it's been 3 weeks since we made the date and i haven't heard from him since. i haven't texted him either, but i guess it's like this: i showed interest and invited him out with mutual friends, and then stuck my neck out to ask him out on a date, and while he accepts the invites, he hasn't shown much more interest in return. he makes me so distracted and forgetful, and gives me the butterflies, but i want someone who shows a little interest.

sometimes i wonder if i'm losing my romanticist ideas about marriage and love. all through college, i was cynical and pessimistic about the whole idea of love. mostly because my self confidence was at rock bottom and i wondered if there would ever be anyone who would love me for me and want to marry me. despite that, there was always a part of me that wanted to fall head over heels for some boy and have him pursue me back.

now i'm wondering if it doesn't quite work that way. if maybe marriage is more of a practical matter. of course i am by no means saying you don't need love to have a successful marriage, because without love, no marriage will last (in my opinion). maybe the TYPE of love is something other than what i pictured. am i being cynical again? or am i thinking too far ahead?

as i said before, i'm not ready to get married, so maybe it's early to even use the M word, but i guess i'm at an age where a relationship could legitimately lead to marriage. i want to enjoy being young and have fun, but how much can the "butterflies" keep something going, even if we're not talking about marriage? or, am i doing a disservice to myself by overlooking that feeling?

i'm in complete infatuation with CB, but amidst his lack of proactivity, i'm finding other people, whose company i enjoy, who make efforts to spend time with me. and maybe it's just as romantic to fall in love with someone who can be your best friend, not just be someone to give you butterflies...time will tell. :)