on anonymity

i'm going through one of those stages where i want to turn everything private - to pretend i never said anything about any of those characters with nicknames and pretend some of those things never really happened (i think you know what i mean) - and then proceed to go public.

that's the thing about blogging. eventually someone knows it's you. and, if you're lucky, like i have been, those people know it's you and yet they still keep reading and still love you. and they even address you "correctly" to keep up the façade, only for your sake.

and it's fun. it's like you can be whoever you want (which usually still ends up being just simply yourself) and not worry that someone is holding it against you, because you never said you were going to be who everyone wanted you to be (if there even is a you they wanted you to be), but that you were just being unapologetically you.

but at what point do your actions become something that shouldn't be? i can look back at things i did and posts i wrote and cringe about the ridiculousness of some of my choices or the words i wrote. without any outside pressure, will i just continue to laugh at my mistakes instead of making better choices? or, without any (real or perceived) anonymity, will i just bend into what i assume others' expectations of me to be?

when it gets down to it, i'm trying to accept the choices i made, and the choice i made to post them in a public space. i think we all just want to feel like we're not the only one. like there is someone (even just one person) out there who has been where you have been, and made it out alive. just to show us that we too will survive. there is something to be said for making mistakes, learning from them, and moving on. but how do you do it? i mean, how do you do it gracefully, with the wisdom to know better now, but the humor to still laugh about the past? (i think i knew better at the time, but didn't care about the consequences. is that a whole 'nother can of worms??)

slowly the people i know in blog world are becoming my real world, and vice versa, so those things i wrote in the safety of being unknown are no longer as safe. or maybe i'm just afraid of being judged. (that's what this is all about, isn't it really? but why do i care so much??)

i am still quite attached to my site name and don't want to move. i don't want to loose the last 3 years of "me." they are me. i don't want to loose whatever community i have surrounding this blog but i think i've hit some kind of wall.

or maybe it's just one of those days when i feel the need to pull it all inside and let it sit there for a while. to be quiet and just wait.

maybe?