heart ache

i saw the photo somewhere in my half-awake half-asleep facebooking from my phone.

i saw a couple comments.

an old high school teacher: "love this! miss (my name)!"

i just logged in from my computer; saw the photo again.

it's such a good photo from this past weekend. hiking in colorado.

both my parents look so happy, both my brothers are smiling so big.

my sister-in-law and my other brother's girlfriend there, too.

and i'm not.

fuck, it hurts. today it hurts so bad.

i haven't sobbed like this in months. damn...

how can i be in a place that i love and yet be missing something i need so much.

this is just a big jumble in my head.

i have this apartment that i love, a job i love, friends...i am happy.

but my heart is breaking and i fear so much that i will regret making this choice.

that i will look back and say, i shouldn't have been here for so long.

that i screwed up.

that i miss my family so much...