the birthday do-over

on sunday, Ro attempted to make up for his not-so-hot restaurant choice on my birthday by taking me to a really fancy hotel in yokohama for their lunch course menu. the weather was beautiful, i was in a decent mood (considering the night before) and he seemed to understand that i just wanted to feel "special" for one day.

but then we got there and the service went bad. we ate our appetizers and then waited and waited and waited for the next dish in the course. i jokingly said "let's see how long it takes them to notice they've completely forgotten about us!" while looking at my watch. it was already an hour since we'd sat down and we'd only had our salads. i was laughing, but Ro got annoyed.

and he snapped at a waiter for more bread. and complained to me that it wasn't "our" waitress, and that she must have sent him there to do her dirty work since she had screwed up. if there's one thing i really HATE, it's people who are rude to waitstaff. i think it's poor manners and unattractive to be rude, regardless. of course i'm sure there are exceptions, but for the most part, it's unacceptable in my mind.

having worked in a restaurant, i know that it's not always the waiter's fault, though sometimes it is. if they apologize and make an effort to make up for it, i usually have no hard feelings. i know what it feels like to have difficult customers. i also know what a difference having someone smile and say "it's okay" - even if it's not - makes. i try to be THAT customer. Ro apparently does NOT.

i got angry. not at the waiters, but at Ro. i told him how i felt about being rude and he strongly disagreed with me. then, as we started into our entrees, he really pissed me off by being rude again. i don't even remember now what it was he said, but i threw my napkin on my chair and walked off to the bathrooom. partially to hide my tears, but mostly to make a statement. when i got back, we ate the rest of our dishes in silence. when we started talking again, it was more rehashing of the same thing. i told him that sometimes you have to just smile and suck it up. that being rude in return doesn't make it any better and that it was MY birthday and couldn it not be about him for just ONE day?

he said he's spent so many years sucking it up and gaman-ing that he's making up for it now. i told him that if he wants to be rude to the waitstaff, do it when i'm not around. do it when he's out with his guy friends, even go out with other girls, if that's what it means, but do not do it in front of me. he accused me of not being on his side and not understanding his need to make his displeasure with the service known. that he's only ever lost out (son suru) from sucking it up and not saying anything and doesn't want to anymore. i said, "what if your need to be rude means losing me?" he said, "if that's the case, then shouganai." he couldn't put his own "needs" aside for just 2 hours for his girlfriend's birthday or see past his "needs" to think about how it might make me feel and that he wasn't willing to make that sacrifice for me. my heart broke a little.

by this point, the staff brought out dessert, with a "happy birthday" chocolate and candle stuck in it. i had tears rolling down my cheeks and the guy was so awkward saying, "we heard it was your birthday...um...happy birthday!" then he said, "can i take a picture of you both for your birthday?" i wanted to look at him and say, "can't you see i'm fucking CRYING? who in their right mind would ask a crying girl if they could take her picture? are you an IDIOT???" but of course, i didn't. i smiled, shook my head and said, "um, not right now thanks. later please."

we ate dessert, which was absolutely delicious. thank god. it gave us something to talk about without arguing and i was able to stop crying. at least it seemed like it was going to end well...and then the waiter never came back to take our photo. we had to ask if they would take a picture for us. so, add that to the fact they made us wait 25 minutes for soup (which we can assume is already made, just needed to be plated?!) after our salads, we had to ask for another glass of wine (instead of them asking if we'd like another when our glasses were empty) and we had to ask THREE times for more water (the first time Ro asked rudely, which should have been a sign, not to mention that in fine dining, letting the water glass go empty is a big no-no), and a general we're not paying your table ANY attention feel...?! we're not paying over $30 for lunch for no reason!! granted it was Ro's reaction to the service that ruined the meal for me, but if the service had been what we paid for, the whole thing would have smoothed over Ro's birthday fail from the night before.

we left very disappointed. Ro disappointed in the service. me disappointed in Ro. there was no apology as we left, just the obligatory thank you and i kind of snorted at the ridiculousness of it all. i could tell Ro still thought he was right (in our fight) but he knew that he had no more room to make me upset and let me wander the stores in the mall and made not one complaint the rest of the afternoon.

apparently i'm supposed to tell him exactly what i want/expect for my birthday. where i want to eat, what i want to receive, etc. that night, over a light dinner at home, i explained to him that girls want to be surprised. and that it's not that hard. i don't expect anything fancy or expensive. in fact, the best things are little things like a hand written card, even just a single flower or a little cake with a candle in it and a singing of happy birthday. he tried to say he buys me flowers sometimes. i laughed and reminded him that the single carnation he bought me a couple weeks ago (that i didn't notice until the next day because he put in a place i rarely go!) was the first flower he's bought me in a year (he bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers for my birthday last year). that no, he has NOT bought me flowers "sometimes." sigh... he is even less romantic than i thought! his birthday is coming up and i'm debating whether to go all out (but am too broke to do that, really), or to buy a couple things i know he wants, or to do nothing and let him see how it feels. he probably wouldn't care either way, and i love surprising people with things, so i'll at least get him a little something.

shopping for guys is usually hard, but i've been paying attention to the things he says he wants. he can't even remember when i mentioned in the morning that i want to go to the gym that night after work; how can i expect him to remember a bag or little trinket i may have picked up in a store saying, "oh, this is really cute (hint hint!!)" ?? i try to make it easy on him, but he's just too forgetful. or something.

in the end, there have been better birthdays, but there have definitely been worse. i'll just have to be specific about what i want next year and try not to be such a romanticist.