warning: overthinker ahead

if i don't post today, it looks like i probably won't post until thursday.  i'm in the middle of a 5 day work week.  today is "tuesday."  by the time wednesday (my "friday") comes, i know i'll be too exhausted to do anything but park myself myself in front of the tv for about 30 minutes before i drag myself to bed because i'll be falling asleep at the very hint of being horizontal.

after work yesterday, Ro and i went looking at apartments.  the first apartment we saw was about 6 minutes from the station (on the yamanote line) AND had a little yard!  the apartment was smaller than what we have been looking at online, but felt big enough and the layout was decent.  unfortunately, it gets about one hour of direct sun.  i might go back in the daytime later this week and see how bright (or dark) it actually is, but i think Ro has probably already made up his mind (being, no) already.  plus, within the next couple years, a couple "tower mansion" buildings are probably going up in the area (read: construction noise) so it might not be a great place in the long run.  we'll see.

the second place had some other tenants (hello cockroaches...yes, plural - ick) and the hallway looked like a rundown dorm or eery hospital from a movie (have i mentioned i absolutely cannot handle watching anything even REMOTELY scary?  yeah...)  the balcony was split in two, and both were small and the cupboards above the sink were big enough for a couple cups and maybe a set of plates.  there was a small tatami room, and i love tatami (my bedroom now is tatami) but for all practical purposes, we're probably going to pick an apartment without a tatami room.

i love looking at apartments online, and imaging different layouts, where i'd put my bed, and my desk and all the fun daydreaming that comes with moving, but i don't think i really know what a pain in my ass moving will actually end up being.  i've lived in my apartment for almost 4 years now and, to put it nicely, i have so. much. shit.  i am horrible at throwing things away.  i have a three shelf rack overflowing with fabric and zippers and thread and more fabric.  i have books that i read once but will probably never read again, but can't bear to throw them away because maybe i will and english books are so expensive, it somehow gives me a sense of security, knowing i have some english books if i need them (saying that just sounds so ridiculous, but it's true).  and, more than anything, i have more clothes and shoes than i'm even willing to admit (despite wearing the same things over and over...).

Ro is not excited about my rat-pack-ness so i really need to throw things away in the next couple months.  we're thinking late january or february.  march is a huge moving month in japan, which means lots of new rentals on the market, but my lease here ends march 15th (ides of march, only mildly ironic...) so instead of paying to renew my lease, we can put that money toward a new place.  while we're on that subject, having to pay a whole month rent just to re-sign the contract and stay exactly where i am??  real estate agents are making a KILLING in japan, are they not?!

of course this only covers the logistics of moving in with my boyfriend.  (eek!)  there is a part of me that is silently freaking. out.  i love having my own space, my own time, my own do-whatever-i-want-and-not-worry-or-even-think-about-anyone-else everything.  so, i'm a little nervous about suddenly there always being someone there.  and, will i get sick of that someone?  (though, i've slowly become part of the "i'd rather find out i can't live with you before i marry you and then find out after!" thinking, so if moving in together ends up in us splitting up, i have to be able to see it as a good thing to find out sooner than later.  that being said, the plan (as far as i know!) is that we're not just moving in to move in together.  that it's one step closer to a ring.  which is where i get a little claustrophobic.  not necessarily in a bad way, but in a "here comes one of those big life decisions i don't feel old enough to make" kind of way.

not because it's what everyone else is doing (even though they are) or because i'm a certain age (enough though i sort of am) or because my parents say stuff like, "hmm, we don't have any grandkids...sigh sigh sigh" at family gatherings where all their age relatives have grandkids (even though they do) but i'm sort of feeling the itch to...hmm...not necessarily itching to get married, per se, but i really want to have kids.  and well, getting married is sort of a prerequisite for kids in my book.  i've never really been a person to settle down, so does this desire to have kids come from being with someone that i want to do that with, or is it simply a biological clock type thing?  and, does the desire for kids leave me vulnerable to settle with someone who is willing to be with me, in order to satiate that desire, even if maybe they aren't the best match for me, but good enough?  am i being too picky?  or am i only looking at the negatives and letting those things get the better or me?  do other, normal, people have these same neurotic "what if" or "how do i know" or "is he the one" thoughts?  or am i just an intense overthinker?

sigh.

to those non-japanese women married to japanese men, i'm curious, how/when/why did you decide to marry and stay in japan for the long haul?  did you just jump in and figure the rest out as you go?  did you appease your nervous self,  saying you will visit home often or something else (fill in the blank)?  to anyone who's married, am i being too influenced by some unrealistic romantic idea that you "just know" this is the person you're supposed to marry?  should i "just know"?  and if i don't know with 100% certainty, is that necessarily a bad thing?

this post took a bit of an intense turn, and i'm feeling a bit hesitant (vulnerable much?) to hit publish, but i'm just gonna do it and do my best to resist revising after i do...