homesick for somewhere

this was the best and worst trip home.

the first week at home was great. i spent time with family, went to visit my old college, saw lots of people while home and got lots of compliments about looking great. i drove several hundred miles, sang to the radio and discovered new music, took fabulous hot showers, grocery shopped and ate my mom’s cooking. i played with my family's two dogs (met one for the first time), saw my cat and fell asleep in front of the fireplace almost every night. my family loved their christmas presents, and i got some really great presents myself. i got to see bits of chicago and took some great photos. and i got some good ones taken of me too!

but there was also sharing my room with 4 other people for over a week (in that giant house of my parents with all those empty extra rooms?!), constantly translating and feeling overwhelmed at times, a $250 parking ticket and paying an embarrassing amount for my overweight suitcase in an effort to save my friends $30. that was immediately followed by the absolute hardest, most tearful goodbye i think i’ve ever (ever) had with my parents, and then, as if i wasn’t feeling shitty enough, i lost my wallet on the chicago subway. thank god i left my passport and most of my cash in the hotel safe. i managed to borrow money for a suitcase, a new bus/train pass, and dinner.

while i had just a bit over $100 cash in it, i didn’t have a credit card, and my atm card is still in the mail somewhere, so i guess at least i don’t have to deal with canceling those. i needed to update my alien registration card anyway, and my PASMO will be able to be resurrected since it was issued in my name. but those things are just “things." things i can replace.

no, i’m mourning the loss of silly things, like the strips of purikura that Ro and i have accumulated over the last 6 months. Ro has half of all the sets, so i’m hoping he’ll be willing to part with some (since they are just hanging out on top of his fridge, under the microwave) but there was one set he asked me to hold for him when he didn’t have anywhere to put it. i forgot to give him at the end of the night and just kept them there.

so, yeah, maybe i’m a little sentimental. i just want to cry. i loved that wallet.

and now i’m stuck in transit, sitting in my best friend from high school’s apartment in a random neighborhood in chicago. i purposely chose my flight dates to stay 2 days longer than my japanese friends (they left this morning) so her and i could hang out. we hadn’t seen each other in 6 years. then she got a trip to nyc for christmas, left yesterday and won’t be back until tomorrow mid-afternoon. but, here i am, in her apartment anyway. least she could do i guess.

i’m homesick for somewhere, but i don’t know where. i miss my family and just being home, but i know i couldn't live at home after being on my own for so many years. and then, i love the buildings and the feel of chicago. the big city without being overwhelmed by the size. but i miss my apartment in tokyo, and feeling safe at night. and Ro. and the life i sort of have in tokyo. but being here makes me feel so unsettled, which leads to daydreaming about another life i could have in chicago.

i;m sure getting back to tokyo, starting my new job, and spending time with Ro will bring me back to being myself. i’m trying to be positive, because i hate starting things (especially things like new decades!) on a sour note, but it’s tough this time around.

so, for now i’m just hanging on and hoping...